Tuesday, April 05, 2005

What if David Milch (of Deadwood fame) wrote Shakespeare?

Titus Andronicus (Al Swearengen)

Act 5, Scene 2

Before Titus’ house

Enter TAMORA (Calamity Jane), DEMETRIUS (Dan Dority), and CHIRON (Johnny Burns), disguised

Thus, in this strange and sad fucking habiliment,
I will encounter with Andronicus,
And say I am Revenge, cocksucker, sent from below
To join with him and right his heinous fucking wrongs.
Knock at his study, where, they say, he keeps,
To ruminate strange plots of dire revenge;
Tell him Revenge is come to fucking join with him,
And work confusion on his fucking enemies.

They knock

Enter TITUS, above

What cocksucker doth molest my contemplation?
Is it your trick to make me open the door,
That so my sad decrees may fucking fly away,
And all my study be to no effect?
You are deceived: for what I mean to do
See here in bloody lines I have set down;
And what is written shall be fucking executed.

Titus, I am come to talk with thee.

No, not a fucking word; how can I grace my talk, cunt,
Wanting a hand to give it action?
Thou hast the fucking odds of me; therefore no more.

If thou didst know me, thou wouldest fucking talk with me.

I am not mad; I know thee well enough:
Witness this wretched fucking stump, witness these crimson lines;
Witness these trenches made by grief and care,
Witness the tiring day and heavy fucking night;
Witness all sorrow, that I know thee well
For our proud empress, mighty fucking Tamora, cocksucker that she is:
Is not thy coming for my other fucking hand?

Know, thou cocksucker, I am not Tamora;
She is thy enemy, and I thy motherfucking friend:
I am Revenge: sent from the infernal kingdom,
To ease the gnawing vulture of thy mind,
By working wreakful vengeance on the dirt-worshipers.
Come down, and welcome me to this world's light;
Confer with me of murder and of fucking death:
There's not a hollow cave or lurking-place,
No vast obscurity or misty vale,
Where bloody motherfucking murder or detested rape
Can couch for fear, but I will find them out;
And in their ears tell them my dreadful fucking name,
Revenge, which makes the foul cocksucker quake.

Art thou Revenge? and art thou sent to me,
To be a torment to mine fucking enemies?

I am; therefore come down, and welcome me, cocksucker.

Do me some service, ere I fucking come to thee.
Lo, by thy side where Rape and motherfucking Murder stands;
Now give me some fucking surance that thou art fucking Revenge,
Stab the cocksuckers, or tear them on thy chariot-wheels;
And then I'll come and be thy fucking waggoner,
And whirl along with thee about the globe like a heathen.
Provide thee two proper palfreys, black as fucking jet,
To hale thy vengeful waggon swift away,
And find out murderers in their guilty cocksucking caves:
And when thy car is loaden with their fucking heads,
I will dismount, and by the waggon-wheel
Trot, like a fucking servile footman, all fucking day long,
Even from Hyperion's rising in the eastUntil his very downfall in the sea:
And day by fucking day I'll do this heavy task,
So thou fucking destroy Rapine and Murder there.

These cocksuckers are my ministers, and come with me.

Are these thy ministers? what are they call'd?

Rapine and Murder; therefore called so,
Cause they take vengeance of such kind of cocksuckers.

Good Lord, how like that cunt the empress' sons they are!
And you, the fucking cunt empress! but we worldly men
Have miserable, mad, mistaking fucking eyes.
O sweet Revenge, now do I come to thee;
And, if one arm's embracement will content thee, cocksucker,
I will embrace thee in it by and fucking by.