Monday, May 08, 2006

Assasinate PharmaMaster

Spam is the putrid funk of the universe; it's the sulfur in your nostrils on a springtime picnic in the countryside. We all know what it is and we all know the people who send this junk out are penis-less aborations in the otherwise decent track record of Human civilization. I setup an E-mail address for my daughter as a placeholder when she actually has use for it. She's never E-mailed anyone yet gets 10 Spam messages a day offering longer lasting erections and low cost pharmaceuticals. A 2 year old girl has use for neither.

I tried a half-dozen methods to stem the mongoloid tide, but all came up short. I thought I'd try Blue Frog, an anti-spam service that works like the no-call list. You forward spam to them and they ask the spammers to remove you. If they don't, then blue frog uses your computer to send opt-outs to the websites the spammers are pushing, multiply this by a couple hundred thousand (or millions) of computers and the people who pay the spammers start getting the message.

It actually worked.

Then some pinko spammer that goes by the self-gratifying moniker PharmaMaster, hacked the no-spam list and threatened to double or quadripule the spam he sends out if you don't cancel your blue frog service.

Well that Russian spammer can lick my harry bean bag. I endorse the Blue Frog anti-spam ware. It works. There may be a settling in period while the commie makes good on his word, but fuck him and his moon-faced whore of a mother.

I therefore am taking a bounty out on him. I know that after the end of Cold War, there's bound to be a couple of down-on-his-luck ex-KGB "special talent" people roaming around the former Soviet Union. I am offering a brand new (with tag) pair of American blue jeans for the first man to "take care of" PharmaMaster. I'm not saying kill... read the last sentence... "take care of". It's fairly open-ended and I believe this absolves me of all responsibility.

After "it" is done, just comment to this blog update with proof, and your American blue jean size in inches (waist/inseam). I was thinking Levis-Straus or Gap, but I'm pretty flexible on the brand and styling (regular, stone-washed, etc.) I don't think they make white jeans or acid-washed, but am more than willing to look around, or surf eBay.

Good night and good luck.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Deal or No Deal?

Quote of the blog update: “He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.” Abraham Lincoln

Song of the blog update: "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley

I went to have my car inspected this morning (I should have done it last month while the inspection sticker was valid, but WTF). I hit the ATM machine for cash (it costs $18 for an inspection sticker here) and headed off to my favorite state inspection location (yes, I have a favorite). I hand over the required ID, registration and proof of insurance and the attendant hands it back and says the registration is expired. I shuffle through my glovebox and find the up-to-date registration and hand it over (I don't know why I keep expired documentation and I don't know why you do it either). So I'm ready now. Nope, I have my wife's proof of insurance and she has mine. I put the new cards into the cars last month, but didn't pay attention to what car was getting which card. I had like 5 expired proof of insurance cards for my car, but that swayed nobody. I'll try again tomorrow.

So I made a detour on the way back to the office... to Best Buy. NYPinTA, compulsive blog updater and Tool fanatic, was hyping the new Tool album, "10,000 Days," in her last post. She seems to like the Tool... in fact she told me, in confidence, that her personalized NY license plate says "T00LLVR" and her AOL login is ToolLover69. OK... maybe I imagined that last part, but she's a legitimate Tool fan.

So I bought "10,000 Days," which incidentaly comes with a pair of reading glasses built into the case. I'm listening now. I've been listening for 20 minutes and I'm only on track 3 (and I'm not kidding)... the album is 1 hour, 15 minutes, 50 seconds long.

I also bought "Aenima" and "Lateralus" - both by Tool. I bought "Pablo Honey" - Radiohead and I bought "Exit Music" - a Radiohead tribute album by various artists. Five albums for $49.01, including tax; not bad.

OK, here's my moral dilema of the day. After I got in my car, I popped in the tribute album... not bad, I need more listens to make a final judgement. But, that's beside the point... I checked the Best Buy receipt and the checkout drone at Best Buy didn't scan "Pablo Honey". So I basically stole it. Now I am a huge Radiohead fan. My first ever blog update was dedicated to a thesis on Radiohead and black sitcoms. As much of a Tool I imagine NYPinTa is, that's how much of a Radiohead I am. "Pablo Honey" is the only album I hadn't yet purchased. It was their first major release and I didn't catch on until "The Bends" in 1995. I have "The Bends," "OK Computer," "Kid A," "Amnesiac," and "Hail To The Thief" - and their in the studio now, I'll buy that too. So maybe the freebee was a reward from God for being so loyal. That's how I'm leaning at the moment.

I'd like to know your opinion on the matter. Pretend you're Heathcliff Huxtable and I'm Theo. And I just walked out of Best Buy with a, technically stolen, cd, but am regarding it as a reward from God for band loyalty. What are your thoughts, Dr. Huxtable... I mean Dad?

Hottie of the blog update: Heather Westbrook

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